Stepparents of small children are usually well aware of some of the problems they'll face. They know that visitation or custody, child support or stepsibling rivalry may create lots of stress in their marriage. Stepparents of adult children find their own set of challenges, and often, it comes as quite a surprise.

Why is it that dealing with the adult children of a spouse can be so difficult and stressful? Why are there still problems even when the children are grown? We'll look at a few reasons why these stepparent/stepchild relationships can be so complicated and what the stepparent may be able to do to make the relationship better.

Lingering resentment. Some adult stepchildren still resent or blame one of their parents for breaking up their family or abandoning them. If you're married to the parent that the child is blaming, then you'll get blamed, too, just because you're there. If your spouse's child doesn't have a good relationship with your spouse, he probably won't have a good one with you. That's not your fault, and there may be little that you can do to build a relationship under these circumstances.

Sometimes, though, new stepparents are able to play peacemaker if enough years have passed and the hurt is beginning to heal. As a new adult that can approach the situation as a friend and confidant, you may be able to reach a child who is looking for a way to overcome the past. You may be able to intervene and calm the troubled waters with a focus on forgiveness and renewal. It's an admirable goal, but if you pursue it, tread carefully. There is much history that you don't understand, and your feelings may be a quick casualty. Take it slowly, and take your cues from your stepchild.

Feelings of disloyalty. Lots of stepparents of small children can't get close to their stepkids because the kids are afraid of being disloyal to their mom or dad. It can even happen with an adult stepchild who is afraid of scaring the memory of a parent, particularly one who has died. You may be at a terrible disadvantage just because you represent a new future for your spouse. If you're faced with this kind of situation, don't be afraid to address it directly.

Tell your stepchild that you won't try to take her mother or father's place, that you won't destroy the past in your efforts to build a new future. Adult stepchildren are sometimes particularly bothered when a new stepparent makes drastic changes to the home in which their other parent lived. If you move into the home that your spouse shared with the children's other parent, again, move slowly. Get your spouse's blessing on the changes, and even try to involve your stepchildren in any renovation. Don't try to make all memories of their other parent disappear -- think relocation, not dissolution.

Inability to grow up. Some overwhelmed stepparents of young children live for the day when their stepkids will be grown and on their own. Stepparents of adult children believe that that day has already arrived, but sometimes, they're mistaken. If the children's parent still treats them like infants, your arrival on the scene won't likely change that much. If your spouse still supports his or her grown children, makes excuses for them, bails them out of trouble and basically defends them as if they were babies, your marriage will suffer.

Stepparents have an amazing ability to adjust to parenting styles of their spouse when the children are small. When the children are grown and taking advantage of their parent, it's much harder because it's completely unnecessary. You can ignore it or accept it, or you can try to change it with reason. You can explain to your spouse how his behavior is damaging to the children and unfair to you. You can ask him why he won't let his children grow up. You can take steps to protect yourself and your finances, and if necessary, to move on. When the children are grown, a parent is not forced to choose between his spouse and his children -- and you shouldn't have to raise children that are already grown.

The positive side. Not all adult stepparent/stepchild relationships are filled with stress. Many stepparents of adults find that they develop great friendships and deep bonds with their stepchildren. They genuinely grow to love one another and enjoy each other's company. The children are glad that their parent has found happiness again, and the stepparent welcomes these children, and perhaps their children, into the new family with grace and compassion. It can work. I hope it can work for you.

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